CHARACTERS
Rob—train conductor, mid-30’s, recently divorced
SETTING
The engine on a freight train, somewhere in the panhandle of Idaho.
The lights are dark, and the whistle and rush of a train across tracks is heard. Starkly, the word “DEPPRESSION” appears in red letters against the black backdrop. The lights go up, and we see ROB downstage, immediately left of a large lever. His right hand covers his buried face, and in his left he holds his smart phone.
(whimpering)
ROB: I’m meaningless.
Rob looks up, as if searching for some grace. Finding none, he buries his face into his elbows and begins crying.
(speaking into phone he holds at distance)
ROB: Tracy, all that I was to you was your chew toy. I was your dog sidekick, not the superman that you wanted. I will always be your heel.
(pause)
And your heels—I found them in my closet. Those ones you posted after I bought them for you? You said how sweet, and kind, and that we could go to the movies like Miley and Liam. That’s all that I ever wanted, was to be your co-star at the center of the galaxy, our weight so massive, all stars swirled around us. Now I feel like a black hole, ripping the memories up inside me.
(checks phone)
(pause)
A picture of a woman after jogging flashes up on the screen behind the man, underneath the DEPPRESSION still plastered there.
ROB: (reading) “Nothing like a morning run to start the day off right! #FitnessAddict” Geez. How nice. And what am I, engineer, switching tracks, but stuck in the middle of nowhere, traveling through emptiness for those niceties you once were afforded? These past months have given me nothing but insomnia and a paycheck to share with barflies.
(pause, searching for grace)
ROB: I know I have to move on. I just want you to know how completely real I am.
(inspired)
There is a quote from a philosopher, that, that means something about this right now.
(typing)
“Phil…osophy…quotes.”
(Searching through phone)
“…one must come to the considered judgment that the statement ‘I am, I exist’ is necessarily true every time it is uttered by me or conceived in my mind.”
Yeah, she’ll remember that.
(Approaching lever)
Now, to copy and paste this…
(pulls lever)
Sounds of railroad tracks switching. Behind him, on the screen, the word “ANGER” appears in red against a black screen.
ROB: Sent! Ha! I know she’ll see that and remember what it was to love me. She’ll message me and ask how I’m doing! From there, I’ll play it real cool until she knows I’m the coolest guy to be with!
(checks phone)
ROB: C’mon, Tracey, the man of your dreams is right here in front of you, shouting at your window, playing Boyz 2 Men until you peek out with your cute little muppets sweatshirt and curls, smiling and calling, “Well, why don’t you come up for a little while?”
(pause, as if responding)
A picture of the same lady, having a drink with friends, under “ANGER” appears.
ROB: “Ain’t nothing like Ladies’ night at McBride’s! #BeerMe” Aw, c’mon! Are you so lonely that you have to show me you with your dyke friends at that stupid bar? Fucking hell, Tracy. I’m sure you have better things to do than get wasted with those chicks that just fuck anybody who buys them a drink.
(pause, searching)
ROB: I’m just sick of thinking this bullshit reality that you dreamed up is so fucking great that you have to post it when you’re really so lonely that your only friends are ones who fuck you up and act like they’re some real shit when they’re not! They’re not your friends Tracy! The only friends that you have are here.
(pause, earnestly)
Your mother was so worried about you when we went to Las Vegas, that you wrote her a post card every single day to say that you were OK, that nothing bad was happening, and that I was making sure you got free drinks by playing all the blackjack I could.
(pause)
ROB: Now what are you doing? We’re all worried sick about you, Tracy, that I haven’t been able to sleep since you moved out. I know I’m gone, Tracy, but you don’t have to be.
(searching phone)
“The absurd man can only allow just one moral—the indistinguishable moral of God: the prescribed moral.” Albert Came—us. I don’t know what that means, but if she finds something, so be it.
Approaches lever, switches it. The words “BARGAINING” appear on the screen behind him as the sounds of the train switching tracks is heard.
ROB: Sent.
(pause)
Speaks maybe to audience, maybe not.
ROB: Who are you that you must find solace in a third party? There is no meaning to the other that we don’t ascribe them, no entity in the great beyond. It is only you who chooses how to think, to feel. The other being you create online is just a presumption of reality—it is not this vehicle, this train…all I hear are the screeching of brakes like the echoes of the highest chorus singing through the badlands man seeks in discovery of the elsewhere we dream. I would give you my purpose, but I cannot reach in time.
(searching phone)
“Hell is other people.”
ROB reaches for the lever, and, angrily, breaks the contraption off its base. Startled and victorious, he stumbles backwards. The word “DENIAL” appears in red letters on the black screen behind him.
(pause)
Rob lets out a boiling screech.
(pause)
The sound of a message is heard. ROB hurriedly checks his phone.
ROB: Tracy?
(pause)
Am…I…okay? No, Tracy, I’ve actually never been better hurtling through the mountains on a train towards my now…
(looks at lever)
…certain death! Why, now that you ask, I really can’t use your help.
(chortles)
I…I mean…when isn’t one hurtling through the mountains on a train towards certain…death! It’s as if you just came up when I needed you least and decided you’d like to be in my life again!
(pause)
In fact, Tracy, how about you just keep yourself glued to your social media, and I’ll show you how I’m doing.
With graceful poignance, ROB raises phone for a selfie, turns back to audience, and gets on one knee.
Ready?
(pause)
One…two…”Be Mine”.
ROB takes selfie, and black. The sound of a train running steadily, until it starts to screech, and the sound of a massive crash is heard. Simultaneously, the previously taken selfie fades into view on the screen.
END OF PLAY
Taleless Cats Ltd. 